My "People Fast" and Mental Detox Journal

Friday 2/23/18 8:30pm

Less than an hour in to my “people fast” and mental detox, here I am writing about it of course. How could I not? I feel like an excited scientist testing a theory. I’m not sure exactly what I expect to get out of this time of solitude but I do have a few things in mind. I pray that God would meet me here and abide with me as He does always, but even more so that I can hear Him with more clarity. I’m not looking for some big spiritual revelation, just a cleansing experience. I want the Holy Spirit to wash me, bathe me, saturate me in His presence. I just want to rest in Him and allow Him to do whatever needs to be done. I don’t even know what to ask for, but I am sure He knows what I need.

Leading up to my decision to take this time away, I have become increasingly irritable with social interactions. Months ago, I felt a need to stop everything and sit in God’s presence until He poured out whatever it was He wanted to get to me. I sensed I needed to disconnect from everything around me and tune in solely to His voice. I did take some time in prayer, reading and journaling but I didn’t truly disconnect from all the voices speaking in my life. There was still a lot of clutter keeping me distracted. Lately, I find myself getting frustrated. I can literally feel the strength that I give out to those around me. I believe the issue is that I have not allowed my cup to be filled to overflow, instead I have reached down and dipped out until I’m scrapping the bottom of the cup. I need a refill!

I am calling this a people fast and mental detox. I decided from 8pm today (Friday) until 8pm Sunday, that I will have very minimal to no human contact. I have prepared my children to operate their schedule without me and asked that they not come into my room. I have discussed this with my husband so he understands that I will not be accepting any phone calls. For the next 48 hours, I want to sit in silence as much as possible. I want to open my inner eye to receive as much as I can bear. All day, I wondered how I would feel at 8pm. Would I feel like a chain smoker trying to put down a cigarette? I had second thoughts, maybe this was too extreme and unnecessary? But when the clock turned 8pm and I powered my cell phone down, I felt a huge sense of RELIEF like I had taken off something heavy. I smiled and began to pray as tears streamed down my face. I spoke to my Abba saying, “I’m falling into your arms open wide!” and my heart gushed!! I am at peace and I am looking forward to this time away with Abba.

Saturday 2/24/18 10am

I’ve been up for a while now. I stayed in the bed until the kids left for the day- Stiya to work and Ty to a basketball tournament in Winston Salem. I am up and thinking. I love the silence it sounds so good. As a laid in bed this morning, my mind was all over the place. I don’t really know how to start this day besides with writing out my thoughts so as to get them out of my head. I am already asking God millions of questions some about my marriage and others about recent dreams I’ve had about being passed down an inheritance on my dad’s side of the family. Even though I do seek understanding for these areas, I don’t want to allow myself to be consumed with finding answers right now. This is something about myself that can be a good thing and a bad thing. I am a seeker of understanding, knowledge and wisdom. My mind is always thirsting for more. I often overwhelm myself with my search then I become weary and worn down crying out for understanding. Right now I don’t want to concern myself with ideas that are too big for me. As David says in the Psalms 131,

“Lord, my heart is not haughty, nor mine eyes lofty: neither do I exercise myself in great matters, or in things too high for me. Surely I have behaved and quieted myself, as a child that is weaned of his mother: my soul is even as a weaned child. Let Israel hope in the Lord from henceforth and for ever.”

This is also my prayer for today. I will sit at your feet Abba, I will rest in your bosom, I will sing and dance in your presence. You have your way.

Saturday 2/24/18 4 pm

I think at this point; I am fighting against the urge to “Do something.” I’ve poured out my heart before God, now I wait. One thing I desire is interpretation of my dreams when they are prophetic in nature. Help me to first of all remember them with clarity and also to understand what you are saying to me through them. I have had a lot of frustration when it comes to the purpose of my dreams.

I have questioned if I should also be fasting from food during this time of solitude and separation. I don’t know. I know I don’t want to fast from food, who ever really does? I also know that in the past I have fasted to get things from God. Subconsciously, thinking that if I fasted God would be forced to move or answer me. I don’t want to feel that I have earned any thing that He gives me because I know I never could. Yet, I hear a voice telling me that I need to “kick it up a notch.” Will this entire weekend be in vain if I don’t “get something out of it?” So again, what exactly is my expectation? Is the silence not enough or is it too much? I remember Elijah when he fled from Jezebel. God spoke to him, but his voice was not in the wind, or the earthquake or the fire. He spoke to him in a what the Hebrew calls “a voice of gentle silence,” as if silence had become audible. What if God is speaking and I can’t hear him in the silence?

Teach me oh God to recognize you in the silence. Teach me to know your presence in the quiet place, even in the midst of the earthquake, wind, or fire. Help me to know that you are not in the dramatic signs, you are within me at all times. You are in the stillness. Help me to HEAR –understand, interpret- your silence. What is more powerful God’s silence or God’s hand. God’s hand allows me to see him with my senses, but God’s silence draws me in to the depths of his love and calming embrace. Surely I have behaved and quieted myself as a child. With dove’s eyes I fix my gaze solely on you, Lord and surely I will become what I behold.

“And now the thunder ceased, and the lightning was gone, and the earth was still, and the wind was hushed, and there was a dead calm, and out of the midst of the still air there came what the Hebrew calls ‘a voice of gentle silence,’ as if silence had become audible. There is nothing more terrible than an awful stillness after a dread uproar.” (Spurgeon)

Saturday 2/24/18 8:39pm

Searching for the words to describe how I am feeling right now. I feel empty, like I haven’t eaten but I have so I know it’s not a natural emptiness. I feel a deep serene calm inside. Now I wonder if there is more beyond this point. Of course, there are thoughts of stopping here and not going on into tomorrow. I am content with what I have gained. Yet still I am curious about what more is yet to be. So, I ‘m going to hold on as long as I can, see what the end will be.

Sunday 2/25/18 7:30pm

Only 30 minutes left in my mental detox and people fast. Silence is priceless. I pray that I am able to retreat to that place with God whenever I need and that I will be able to hear him speak in the silence despite the noise and chaos that may be around me. I pray that every tie and burden cut loose and cast off during this time, remain off. That my heart not be burdened and my shoulders be not weary of loads I am not meant to bear. Lord help me to always remember how you have called me to operate, not in tumult or clamoring but always in the quiet and still places even as your Holy Spirit ministers to each heart in the quiet and still place. May the peace that surpasses all understanding guard and keep my heart in Christ Jesus.